Everything Isn't Always Magical

May 31, 2020

I sit here in my bed at almost midnight with heavy helicopter activity going around in my area. I should be sleeping since I start a summer class tomorrow but my insomnia has been really bad these days. Last night I did not fall asleep until 6am. These past few days have been some of the most emotionally and mentally draining days I've experienced in so many years. The George Floyd murder is something that has shaken the world to its core. Is this the wake up call finally needed so that real change can happen? For the past few days I've been more vocal than I ever been before. I'm not one to deal with confrontation and do everything that I can in order not to deal with it. But my silence does nothing to help when it comes to racism in the Black community. Reading so many posts from so call friends who post only about the looting and the rioting and nothing about why the events are happening to begin with has been so disheartening. It makes me feel like you care more about buildings and properties than about actual human lives, our black lives. I've had so many of you speak out, and I appreciate it beyond measures. And to the few people who have actually personally messaged me to ask me how I was doing, letting me know that I'm loved and value, that meant the world to me. More than you'll ever know. Unfortunately there have been some friends who have been completely silent. Not even a single message to me. It's a complete slap in the face. If you know me at all I am a very kind and caring friend. I reach out to make sure everyone is doing well. I let you know you can always reach out to me whenever you need me. I go out of my way to be the best kind of friend that I can be and some of my so call good friends can't and never seem to be there for me in the way I am for them. It's so very hurtful.

Watching the video of George Floyd being murder made me sick to my stomach. I know it needs to be seen, but constantly seeing black people being murder and their videos posted everywhere is very traumatic for Black people. Being black can be scary, and is scary for so many. As for myself personally I have not dealt with racism on a huge scale. At times when I go into stores in a white neighborhood I would get followed as soon as I walk in. Vacationing over the years my family have had our shares of white people questioning us like we don't belong. Not completely terrible, but still very frustrated and insulting that you judge us just because of our skin. I also started thinking about my dad and wondering if he ever dealt with such racism on a greater scale. After awhile I finally got the courage to ask my mom. I didn't want to make her upset but I wanted to know. She told of just one incident that happened when I was around age 5. My dad was walking home from work. He had just gotten off the subway when I bunch of cops come out of no where and push my dad up against the wall and rough him up a bit. There was apparently a robbery that happened and I "guess" he looked like the alleged suspect. It took awhile for the cops to give my dad a chance to explain, but eventually they did and then he was let go. I got so upset hearing this story. This happened in the early 90s with no cell phone to record anywhere. I can only imagine how scared my dad felt during that time. Being pushed and roughed up while not having a weapon. Was so lucky that the cops weren't the worst of the worst. It could have been a much different outcome. My dad could have been seriously injured or worse dead. I could've been fatherless at age 5 versus 21. That hurt me to the core. I feel so bad that I did not know this happened to him while he was alive or I would've said something. My dad was the most gentle and kind person and he didn't deserve that to ever happen to him. Just like so many black people.

Us black people just want everyone to value our lives, see us as people, and respect us. I'm not for looting and rioting, but peaceful protesting hasn't been enough. As much as I don't like it, I think this needed to happen or we wouldn't be seeing so many people speak out. I'm hoping all of this brings real change so that true humanity can exist.

I fell asleep before finishing this and today (June 1st) has been nothing but more anger and more sadness. Another man died at the hands of the police. His name was David McAtee and he owned a BBQ spot. Police ate there for free, and this is what happens? He was feeding protesters when he got murdered and they left his body on the ground for over 12 hours like roadkill. His mother lost her daughter back in January and now she has to deal with another horrific loss. I'm angry, but I'm mostly now completely heartbroken. My heart has nothing but sadness and defeat. My neighborhood is usually quiet and tonight has been nothing but gunshots. It's all so very scary. I don't know what the next few months will entail, but I hope that real change will happen. I hope for no one to get seriously injured or killed. I want everyone to love and respect each other. I don't get why that is so hard for people to get or to understand. To my white friends, now is the time to speak up and speak out. Be a true ally. And also check up on your black friends. If they are feeling anything like how I'm feeling, they are needing all the love and support they can get. We are hurting and hurting really bad. Let them know that they are valued, respected and loved. It does make a difference hearing such things during this time. Everyone please stay safe and love before anything else.